She's Reading!

It wasn't a huge surprise. I'd seen evidence building. Asking me about every word you see. Sounding out words on signs before you even thought to ask. I was impressed when you read the Level A books without missing a beat.

But when I handed you the Level C. When you figured out the word Monster, just because I covered the last 4 letters. When you self-corrected because you knew grab couldn't say touch. When you got your mouth ready to say the first sound and you figured out every word but one - I knew you were reading!

I don't know if you noticed, but my tears started after the first sentence. I didn't let them out at first, but halfway through the book they were pouring down my face. How proud I felt! I'm not even sure you knew how proud you should be. But you kept asking for more, and I felt even prouder. This is only the beginning!

Colleges

There is something about college campuses. I don't know what it is. I am drawn to them. Walking on one makes me feel motivated, excited, comfortable... I want to be there. I am drawn to be there. I want to be part of it.

It's similar to the way I feel when I walk in a bookstore or library but with more buzz.

I have been walking around Brandeis lately. We temporarily live next door, so I'm enjoying a walk around the campus when I can get out. I went to school there, so you might think I enjoy it because I feel connected to it. Yet, I never felt a huge connection there. Sure I had friends there, I sang there, and worked with the volleyball team. But at the time I was pulled in so many directions it all feels blurry now. I feel a sense of familiarity there, but that is all.

Besides, I get the same feeling no matter which campus I am on. Does that mean I am destined to be there? Am I supposed to go back to school? On some levels, and in some moments - that idea appeals to me. Am I supposed to teach there some day? I would love to be part of that again. Is it the kids all around? Am I simply attracted to those relationships they are building at the beginning stages of their life?

Or is it the learning? I love to learn. I love to teach. Perhaps it just hangs there in the air waiting for me to grab it.

Interesting Fourth

We've had quite a day.

8:40 Drive to Needham - Fourth of July parade

11:30 Drive home from Needham - The parade was two hours long!
I think the girls liked it too, but they did spend three-quarters of it with their ears covered. We have never seen (or heard) so many fire engines...

1:00 Off to my Uncle Mark's annual party - catered by Woodmans - shrimp, chowder, mussels, steamers, lobster, chicken, strawberry shortcake... The girls spent three hours in the pool. They lounged around on their swim rings as if they didn't have a care in the world. :o)

7:00 Heading over to the fireworks. It's raining, but we're optimistic. The girls fell asleep on the way - much needed nap. We wait in the car.

8:20 Break in the rain. We head out to find a spot.

9:00 It's pouring, but the fireworks begin!

9:03 Haley starts crying hysterically. "I want to go home!!!!" Becca hears her and starts crying herself. R and I shove everything back in the wagon and start walking (in the dark) back to the car. As we walk away, I reach down to touch my keys. I had them. 100 yards later I check again - gone. B and H are still screaming. With B clutching my neck, I turn around to find my keys. Two helpful police officers bring their flashlights and scan the ground. (Thank God - Can you imagine NOT finding them?) B and H continue crying until we've drive away from the parking lot.

Happy Fourth!!!!


P.S. For those of you who might think I'm torturing my girls by bringing them to the fireworks, they loved them last year. We had considered not going this year because of the rain, but little B has been talking about them excitedly for days! When I mentioned they might be cancelled, she was hysterical.

My calves are pulsing, my eyes are burning, my shoulders ache. You might think I'm miserable. But in fact, we had an awesome day at Canobie Lake Park. If you haven't been before, or for a very long time like us - you should check it out. We had a blast!

The thing I liked the most about it - it was incredibly little-kid friendly. Little R and H are 4 and 3. But they could go on the vast majority of the rides. There were at least 10 kiddy rides - our favorite was the dragon rollercoaster - Little R and I went on twice! I left my heart on the coaster several times... But they also got to go on so many other rides - The Ferris Wheel, The Rooster Ride, The Carousel, Up, Up and Away, The Race Cars, The Old Fashioned Cars, The Train. I could go on and on...

I even got to go on some rides as a "grown-up". If you consider going on The Boston Tea Party (or even near it), be prepared to get soaked. I have never seen so much water! I also went on the Yankee Cannonball (old-fashioned wooden rollercoaster) and the Corkscrew (newer steel rollercoaster). I have a love hate relationship with rollercoasters. I was petrified the entire time I waited for the Corkscrew; I screamed the entire time; But I came off it laughing. :o)

My least favorite moments at the park were on the "Skyride". Little R asked to go on it. I think she secretly knows that I'm terrified of heights. I took little R, and R took H. We'd been riding about 30 seconds and I was trying not to hyperventilate. All I could think about was getting off. Little R was bouncing around beside me - happy as can be. I had my arm squeezed tightly (too tightly according to her) around her waist. Apparently you could see the fear in my face, or maybe it was the white in my knuckles, but several people riding in the other direction commented on the kind of time I was having... Next time R can take both girls on with him!

My eyelids droop lower, my sunburn is itchy - time for bed.

Taking Responsibility

I have struggled for years over taking personal responsibility. If you don't know me well, you may think that I don't take responsibility for things. I know many people that struggle with this issue. However, I am not one of them. Not only do I take responsibility for what I am actually responsible for, I also take responsibility for everything else.

Did you run out of gas on your way to work yesterday? I'm sure I did something to cause it. Not been able to stick to your diet? I really should have reminded you, talked to you, not eaten in front of you, or somehow supported you more. Hair didn't come out quite the way you wanted it to? I'm not sure what I could do to cause this, but I would feel the need to apologize and somehow take it on as mine.

Sound insane? Absolutely.

Rest assured, I am in therapy, and plan to stay there for as long as possible. (Don't know what I'd do without Lisa. :o) The good news is I am making progress. I'm starting to recognize when I do this to myself. I still have to talk myself out of feeling guilty, but now, at least, it's possible. When I think of all the things I've taken responsibility for over the years, I wonder how I'm still standing. It's been a heavy load on my shoulders. For a good deal of my life, I didn't know it wasn't mine to carry.

My biggest problem is that I care too darn much. So when someone's hurting, or upset, or angry I don't want them to be. I want to fix it. Struggling to let go of this sense of responsibility, I feel like I'm being selfish when I don't take it on. I know there's a middle ground toward being a kind, caring friend, family member and colleague. I'm definitely closer to finding it. If only things were simple...

Proud Mom

Last night, Becca read a book to me (Level A) that I brought home from school. She had memorized it quite some time ago, but last night I taught her to point to each word as she read. She did it accurately! At one point, she read 'birthday' instead of 'party'. I taught her that the word couldn't be birthday because it started with a 'p'.

Fast forward to this morning. Becca picked up the same book (which starts "Here is..."). She couldn't remember how it started. Within a split second she made the first sound of the word 'here' and figured it out! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! My big girls is READING! :o)

I'm It!

I'm it! B tagged me with a meme of trios.

Three things that scare me:
1. heights
2. Haley's (new) heart murmur
3. I've been lucky for so long in my life. I've never lost anyone particularly close to me. I'm afraid of when my luck runs out...

Three people who make me laugh:
1. Ronnie
2. B
3. Ellen DeGeneres

Three things I love:
1. rollercoasters
2. the smell of freshly cut grass
3. watching my girls play together (especially dancing)

Three things I hate:
1. pettiness
2. my insecurities
3. stuffing

Three things I don't understand:
1. reality t.v. :o)
2. money
3. cruelty

Three things on my desk: (Oh God!)
1. unread magazines
2. unsigned wills
3. lots of things to do

Three things I'm doing right now:
1. Watching E.R. (sort of)
2. feeling hungry
3. trying to figure out what I can prepare to eat without waking the girls

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. go to Australia
2. get my Ph.D.
3. own a house

Three things I can do:
1. Teach
2. sing
3. communicate well

Three things I can't do:
1. cook
2. control when I'm going to cry
3. create things with my hands

Three things I think you should listen to:
1. your heart
2. "The Dance" by, Garth Brooks
3. a picture book read aloud well

Three things you should never listen to:
1. me, when my insecurities hit
2. narcissists
3. someone in a rage

Three things I'd like to learn:
1. to play guitar
2. to find balance in my life
3. to accept my imperfections

Three favorite foods:
1. my mom's stuffed shells
2. my mom's fudge
3. my grandmother's mac & cheese

Three shows I watched as a kid:
1. The Brady Bunch
2. Tom & Jerry
3. Dukes of Hazard

Three things I regret:
1. Taking the wedding, not the down payment (but truthfully, I loved every minute of the day)
2. Hurting people's feelings
3. Not spending a semester abroad

Three people I tag:
1. Slacker Mom
2. Walt (If you guys still check out my inconsistent postings...)
3. Anyone who'd like to share :o)