Well, I've been trying to stay positive, but I'm pretty miserable. Don't get me wrong. I'm very excited (although a little scared) about the new business venture. I'm not happy with teaching right now. I'm very sad that I'm not happy. It makes me so sad that this profession that I am passionate about is wearing me down. I never thought that I would be the one not wanting to come to school. I'm shutting down mid school day. To the point where I don't want to interact with the kids anymore. (Unfortunately, interacting is kind of a requirement. :o)

Part of the problem is I don't really know what's going on with me. Where is this stemming from? I know these past two years have been very challenging. I have had two years with incredibly needy students. That is definitely taking it's toll. The problem is everyone has years with challenging students and if I'm going to teach (and I can't imagine not teaching) I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with it.

One of my students falls apart at the drop of a pin. When I say falls apart - imagine wailing at the top of his lungs, to be heard some distance from the classroom. After these instances, and lately any interaction I have even discussing him, I feel fried. I'm completely overwhelmed, don't know how to help him and can't figure what else to do.

If this were my only student struggling emotionally, I might be able to manage. But I have 5 other children struggling with significant emotional needs.

There is a piece of my brain that understands that I can't be superwoman. There is a small piece of my brain that understands that there is only so much that I can do. Unfortunately, a HUGE part of my brain doesn't agree. I think that's a huge part of my problem. I continue to expect myself to do everything and do it all well (yesterday no less). I know this is true because as I write it my eyes are filling with tears. (Always an indicator that I've struck a chord.)

So as my school day goes on, I'm thrown many challenges. For each challenge, I expect to provide a solution (yesterday :o). As the challenges build, my emotions run high. I feel overwhelmed. In addition, normal things happen. I forget to photocopy something, we run out of something, I only meet with one guided reading group... I beat myself up because it's not done. Internal conversation, "How could you not have thought of that. Of course it needs to be done. Now you're not doing x,y, and z..." "You haven't addressed ________, What about __________, You need to do something about __________, _____________ is not getting what he/she needs..." These "productive" conversations continue to run me down so that I feel even more overwhelmed. Suddenly, my brain can't take anymore. I shut down and I don't want to teach anymore. Yuck.

So what do you do about something that you know you've created, but you don't know how to fix?

My first plan of action is to focus on what I am doing well. (Can you tell I'm not very good at that? :o) Maybe I'll stop once at lunch, and once at the end of the day to write myself a note. (Pathetic, but maybe what I need.)

I also know I can apply Flylady to this somehow. I just need to be creative. Baby steps...

Anyway, once again, thanks for listening. Writing this was therapeutic. That's really why I started this blog (other than copying B :o), I get so much out of writing and rarely take the time to do it.

Thanks again. :o)