Interesting Fourth

We've had quite a day.

8:40 Drive to Needham - Fourth of July parade

11:30 Drive home from Needham - The parade was two hours long!
I think the girls liked it too, but they did spend three-quarters of it with their ears covered. We have never seen (or heard) so many fire engines...

1:00 Off to my Uncle Mark's annual party - catered by Woodmans - shrimp, chowder, mussels, steamers, lobster, chicken, strawberry shortcake... The girls spent three hours in the pool. They lounged around on their swim rings as if they didn't have a care in the world. :o)

7:00 Heading over to the fireworks. It's raining, but we're optimistic. The girls fell asleep on the way - much needed nap. We wait in the car.

8:20 Break in the rain. We head out to find a spot.

9:00 It's pouring, but the fireworks begin!

9:03 Haley starts crying hysterically. "I want to go home!!!!" Becca hears her and starts crying herself. R and I shove everything back in the wagon and start walking (in the dark) back to the car. As we walk away, I reach down to touch my keys. I had them. 100 yards later I check again - gone. B and H are still screaming. With B clutching my neck, I turn around to find my keys. Two helpful police officers bring their flashlights and scan the ground. (Thank God - Can you imagine NOT finding them?) B and H continue crying until we've drive away from the parking lot.

Happy Fourth!!!!


P.S. For those of you who might think I'm torturing my girls by bringing them to the fireworks, they loved them last year. We had considered not going this year because of the rain, but little B has been talking about them excitedly for days! When I mentioned they might be cancelled, she was hysterical.

My calves are pulsing, my eyes are burning, my shoulders ache. You might think I'm miserable. But in fact, we had an awesome day at Canobie Lake Park. If you haven't been before, or for a very long time like us - you should check it out. We had a blast!

The thing I liked the most about it - it was incredibly little-kid friendly. Little R and H are 4 and 3. But they could go on the vast majority of the rides. There were at least 10 kiddy rides - our favorite was the dragon rollercoaster - Little R and I went on twice! I left my heart on the coaster several times... But they also got to go on so many other rides - The Ferris Wheel, The Rooster Ride, The Carousel, Up, Up and Away, The Race Cars, The Old Fashioned Cars, The Train. I could go on and on...

I even got to go on some rides as a "grown-up". If you consider going on The Boston Tea Party (or even near it), be prepared to get soaked. I have never seen so much water! I also went on the Yankee Cannonball (old-fashioned wooden rollercoaster) and the Corkscrew (newer steel rollercoaster). I have a love hate relationship with rollercoasters. I was petrified the entire time I waited for the Corkscrew; I screamed the entire time; But I came off it laughing. :o)

My least favorite moments at the park were on the "Skyride". Little R asked to go on it. I think she secretly knows that I'm terrified of heights. I took little R, and R took H. We'd been riding about 30 seconds and I was trying not to hyperventilate. All I could think about was getting off. Little R was bouncing around beside me - happy as can be. I had my arm squeezed tightly (too tightly according to her) around her waist. Apparently you could see the fear in my face, or maybe it was the white in my knuckles, but several people riding in the other direction commented on the kind of time I was having... Next time R can take both girls on with him!

My eyelids droop lower, my sunburn is itchy - time for bed.

Taking Responsibility

I have struggled for years over taking personal responsibility. If you don't know me well, you may think that I don't take responsibility for things. I know many people that struggle with this issue. However, I am not one of them. Not only do I take responsibility for what I am actually responsible for, I also take responsibility for everything else.

Did you run out of gas on your way to work yesterday? I'm sure I did something to cause it. Not been able to stick to your diet? I really should have reminded you, talked to you, not eaten in front of you, or somehow supported you more. Hair didn't come out quite the way you wanted it to? I'm not sure what I could do to cause this, but I would feel the need to apologize and somehow take it on as mine.

Sound insane? Absolutely.

Rest assured, I am in therapy, and plan to stay there for as long as possible. (Don't know what I'd do without Lisa. :o) The good news is I am making progress. I'm starting to recognize when I do this to myself. I still have to talk myself out of feeling guilty, but now, at least, it's possible. When I think of all the things I've taken responsibility for over the years, I wonder how I'm still standing. It's been a heavy load on my shoulders. For a good deal of my life, I didn't know it wasn't mine to carry.

My biggest problem is that I care too darn much. So when someone's hurting, or upset, or angry I don't want them to be. I want to fix it. Struggling to let go of this sense of responsibility, I feel like I'm being selfish when I don't take it on. I know there's a middle ground toward being a kind, caring friend, family member and colleague. I'm definitely closer to finding it. If only things were simple...

Proud Mom

Last night, Becca read a book to me (Level A) that I brought home from school. She had memorized it quite some time ago, but last night I taught her to point to each word as she read. She did it accurately! At one point, she read 'birthday' instead of 'party'. I taught her that the word couldn't be birthday because it started with a 'p'.

Fast forward to this morning. Becca picked up the same book (which starts "Here is..."). She couldn't remember how it started. Within a split second she made the first sound of the word 'here' and figured it out! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! My big girls is READING! :o)

I'm It!

I'm it! B tagged me with a meme of trios.

Three things that scare me:
1. heights
2. Haley's (new) heart murmur
3. I've been lucky for so long in my life. I've never lost anyone particularly close to me. I'm afraid of when my luck runs out...

Three people who make me laugh:
1. Ronnie
2. B
3. Ellen DeGeneres

Three things I love:
1. rollercoasters
2. the smell of freshly cut grass
3. watching my girls play together (especially dancing)

Three things I hate:
1. pettiness
2. my insecurities
3. stuffing

Three things I don't understand:
1. reality t.v. :o)
2. money
3. cruelty

Three things on my desk: (Oh God!)
1. unread magazines
2. unsigned wills
3. lots of things to do

Three things I'm doing right now:
1. Watching E.R. (sort of)
2. feeling hungry
3. trying to figure out what I can prepare to eat without waking the girls

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. go to Australia
2. get my Ph.D.
3. own a house

Three things I can do:
1. Teach
2. sing
3. communicate well

Three things I can't do:
1. cook
2. control when I'm going to cry
3. create things with my hands

Three things I think you should listen to:
1. your heart
2. "The Dance" by, Garth Brooks
3. a picture book read aloud well

Three things you should never listen to:
1. me, when my insecurities hit
2. narcissists
3. someone in a rage

Three things I'd like to learn:
1. to play guitar
2. to find balance in my life
3. to accept my imperfections

Three favorite foods:
1. my mom's stuffed shells
2. my mom's fudge
3. my grandmother's mac & cheese

Three shows I watched as a kid:
1. The Brady Bunch
2. Tom & Jerry
3. Dukes of Hazard

Three things I regret:
1. Taking the wedding, not the down payment (but truthfully, I loved every minute of the day)
2. Hurting people's feelings
3. Not spending a semester abroad

Three people I tag:
1. Slacker Mom
2. Walt (If you guys still check out my inconsistent postings...)
3. Anyone who'd like to share :o)

Thank God!

I'm definitely feeling more like myself this morning. Don't know why, but I'm happy anyway. :o)

What is Wrong with Me?

I'm feeling very frustrated with myself. I've been irritable, down and moody for the last few days. The biggest problem with that is that I've nothing to be down, irritated or moody about. There's nothing wrong. No huge (or at least unusual :o) stressers in my life right now. I love my husband, I love my girls. But I'm either ready to kill someone or cry almost every moment. (And no, I'm not pregnant. :o)

Last night I was so excited to go to B's for a game night. I definitely needed to get out and do something fun. I had a blast! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I left with a huge smile on my face. And I actually felt content in the hours before I went to sleep. I thought that had done the trick. But this morning I woke up feeling worse than the day before. Ugh!

This afternoon we went to my nephew's hockey game in Marlboro. We had a good time, and I felt mostly like myself while I was there. Strangely enough, almost the second I walked through the door to my home - I was right back where I started. What does that mean? I was with Ronnie and the girls at the game. It's not like the people around me changed.

I don't know what this is all about, but it's for the birds. I'm typically a happy person. I can usually find the bright side in situations. Right now, I know what all my bright sides are. I'm fortunate enough to have many. Unfortunately, I don't seem to appreciate them right now. That doesn't seem right at all. Hmmph.

Thinking of Change

I'm thinking of starting a new blog. This one more focused on school - not like my communication to parents. This would be more of a reflection on teaching... Any thoughts? I'm not planning to connect that blog to this one. So if you read this, and you're interested in reading the teacher one, e-mail me.

Math Woes

My kids took a district-wide math assessment. Although a few kids did well, most kids in my class did very poorly. I'm feeling very discouraged. I further embarassed myself by crying in front of colleagues in my room. I'm just feeling helpless. I'm certainly not a perfect teacher, but I know I'm a good teacher. I don't know what to do differently.
We'll start fresh again tomorrow...

Dinner

Why is dinner a battle?
Shouldn't it be something to enjoy?
Isn't food good?

Not to my four year old.
To her --
Food is a battle.
Something to be fought over
Like boundaries or toys.

Sitting at the table
All by herself
30 minutes later.

B: Am I done yet?

M: Is your belly full?

B: Can I have my milk?

M: Not until you finish that part over there.

Sitting at the table
All by herself
30 minutes later.

Conversation at "Big" B's House

H: Mom, Does Jacob have a penis and a vagina?
Mel: He's a boy. He has a penis.
H: You're a girl right?
Mel: Yes, I'm a girl.
H: You have a vagina right?
Mel: Yes, I have a vagina.
H: Is Betsy a girl?
Mel: Yes.
(At this point I was waiting for the seemingly inevitable question, but she switched gears.)
H: (pointing to T) Does he have a penis?

At this point my entire body is shaking and there are tears running down my face. I can't answer H. All I can do is run out of the room.

Later at home...

H is on the potty. She looks down and says: I have a vagina.
Mel: Yes you do. But we should only talk about penises and vaginas in private, at home with Mommy and Daddy.
H: I don't need privacy right now.
Mel: That's okay. But we only talk about penises and vaginas at home. We don't talk about them at other people's houses or at stores.
H: Just Auntie Elaine's right?
Mel: Not at Auntie Elaine's, just at home.
H: okay

I'm doomed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :o)

Craziness

R's new job is definitely a good thing. He's coming home happy every night, I really think he's going to love it. I couldn't ask for anything more than that... but I'll be much happier once things settle down a bit.

First of all, his hours are all over the place, and will be until the second week of February. We've been spoiled since "little" B was born, we haven't had to stress about childcare. But now we're constantly trying to throw things together. Aaaaaaaaaaah! The end of January, beginning of February will be full time days for him. I have no idea how we'll get B to school each day.

His boss clearly doesn't have kids. He was supposed to be in training all day today and tomorrow. We had arranged babysitting for that time. Even got my mom to drive B to school and my brother to watch H while she did that. But last night, his boss happened to mention that the training is now Tuesday and Wednesday! Are you kidding?

Don't get me wrong. I know it will all work out in the end. This is very temporary and we'll jump through whatever hoops because it's all for a good reason. But I can't help but look forward to February 9.

Let me tell you about my day...

It all started around 11:25. There was the dreaded blinking light on my phone at school. That rarely means anything good. Turns out it was R. Poor guy -- first day of his new job, and he's locked his keys in the car. Fortunately his new job is in the same town as my school. I was more than happy to unlock the car for him.
I dutifully unlocked his car and took out his keys. I gave them to the lady at the front desk and headed back to school.
Fast forward a few hours. Now I'm in a meeting with several colleagues and a parent. The secretary knocks on the door and asks to see me. "Your husband called. He asked me to page you."
Needless to say, R never asks for me to be paged. He knows better. It definitely was something important. You'll never believe what it was. When I grabbed the keys he had locked in his car, I only grabbed half -- the wrong half. Turns out he had separated his car keys from the rest of the ring, so he wouldn't have to lug all his keys around in his pocket. I didn't realize this. I grabbed the ring without the car keys. (Who knew?)
So R called me at 2:20 -- still locked out of his car. But now I'm in a meeting and I can't leave. Thank God for B. She drove to his new job so he could drive home.
One would think the story ended here -- Nope. I left school at 4:30 to head to Costco, and then home. I'm driving on the highway, 60 mph in the third lane. I hear a loud, bizarre noise and almost lose control of my van. I carefully make my way over to the breakdown lane. I have a flat tire.
It's not so helpful that I'm the last person on the planet not to own a cell phone. So I hung out on the side of the highway waiting for someone to stop. A state policeman soon came by, I borrowed his cell phone and called R.
Fortunately, I have amazing in-laws and they have AAA. (Did I mention that I had let our coverage lapse this fall?) I got picked up, R brought the girls to their house and everything got taken care of.
Fast forward a few hours. We've eaten dinner, the girls played, we're heading home for bed. You'll never believe this - R can't find the keys to the Explorer. We looked everywhere - seven times each. He had my set - but not his.
Turns out they were home on the desk, where he'd left them. I just shook my head. Is it Tuesday yet?

P.S. For those of you who now think my husband is nuts, this is totally out of character for him. It's actually more in character for me. In the twelve years we've been together, I frequently have had to call him to get me out of a jam. I don't think I've ever had to do this for him.

I'd like the roles to go back now...

Impossible

Going to bed on time I mean. I swore to myself that I'd be in bed by 11:00 tonight. Here it is 11:46 and I'm just heading in.

I know, I know... I shouldn't be on the computer. But I haven't been. Everything I've done tonight are have-tos. And I'm just finishing.

I guess I thought I'd take a minute to complain. :o) Good night!

Fun!

It was date night tonight, and I enjoyed it thoroughly. R enjoyed it mostly. :o) (The only reason he didn't enjoy it thoroughly is that the first half was spent shopping for clothes - for him. He HATES that. So I know he didn't enjoy that part. :o)
After shopping we went to Friday's for drinks and apps. The music was fun, the football game was on. It felt like old times. (Before kids I mean. :o) We both had a couple of drinks and just talked. We had a great waiter, the food was yummy (I LOVED the onion strings) and it was just plain fun.

On the way home we started reminiscing. We drove by Fessenden and remembered a sledding catastrophe we had there. One night (long before we had the girls) I convinced him to go sledding. (He didn't want to go - basically, I made him.) Well, I convinced him, but then we couldn't find a sled. We finally found our old sled at my aunt's house, but it was deflated.
As I'm sure you can guess, R spent the next 20 minutes outside, in the cold, blowing up the tube. (I have asthma -- I can't do such things. :o) Finally, the sled is blown up and we're at the top of the hill. We're a distance away from other sledders, but we just think we're smarter than they are. We jump on and start sledding. Within two seconds, R bounces off the back. I laugh, but just for a second. Because then the sled suddenly stops in its tracks, but I keep going.
So now I'm 3/4 of the way down the hill, lying in the snow. The sled is only halfway down the hill -- in shreds. I had no idea what happened, but I was laughing so hard, I couldn't walk. Really, I couldn't even stand up. I had to pee -- bad.
Ronnie wasn't laughing, he was growling. He had just spent 20 minutes blowing up a sled for 20 seconds of fun.
Turns out the other sledders were much smarter than us. We had chosen to sled on this drainage point. It was sheer rock ledge. The rock popped the sled. No more sledding. :o(

P.S. As we drove home tonight, we drove by that spot. Like I said, we started reminiscing. Well, I had a few drinks at Friday's. I started laughing hard - really hard. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. :o)

Dizziness

I'm really, really dizzy. I don't mean that dizziness that is my life - running from school to home, to girls, to dinner. to school work, to bed and start all over again. Not that kind of dizziness.
I mean physical dizzyness. It's been going on since about 1:00 this afternoon. Everything feels like it's spinning. I'm getting nauseous. I hope I don't have a bug.

Yuck!

This post is dedicated to Nicole

I guess I have more readers than I thought! Nicole has been faithfully checking my blog, only to find that I haven't posted since November! Oops! I guess I'll try to get back into it. If not, what will Nicole do with her time????

Tonight I went to a holiday party for school. There was a Yankee Swap. It was a pretty tame year in terms of gifts. But there was this obnoxious rubber chicken! Somebody actually traded to get it! I couldn't believe it... :o)

It's nice to spend time with my colleagues talking about something other than school. Although I have to say, I really enjoy when some colleagues do impressions of their kids - VERY funny.

Off to watch CSI. I guess Grissom's leaving. :o(